FuLcRuM

When I started this account with Tumblr a good friend encouraged me to write, to get it all out, to share…. To get back to the person that I once was, a writer, a creator.  Did he see it?  How pent up and stuck I was?  Because I didn’t.  I thought I was fighting it off…. 

I didn’t spend much time writing at all, a couple little things that I felt were “Okay to share”… it seems my tongue is controversial, because I prefer the truth, or because my passion boils over and can’t help but spill out.  So I spent half of my lived lifetime in expression, and the other half under what I thought was submission… submission to Christ in self-control over my tongue or well-spring of emotion.  I have even felt on occasion that it was just anti-Christ to express my emotion, no body has time for me to be emotional, and so I’ve found myself caged in a way.  So I’ve started thinking lately… there’s false humility… is there also false submission?!

I feel like I’ve been tricked into thinking that I shouldn’t be heard.  I’ve been raised to the understandings: Only speak when your spoken to, Don’t touch, Don’t feel… do. Don’t cry… because if you do everyone will just assume your PMSing, Don’t express yourself. Nobody really cares… And when I stopped expressing myself, I was accepted.  It was so much “easier” for everyone to accept me.  Yet this anger started to burn in me… I was learning how to hate myself and hate who God created me to be.  This wasn’t easy, at all… so I was tricked into thinking that this was the higher road… that there is a “time and a place for everything”… thank you world for again taking one sentence or metaphor out of the bible and then out of context and then teaching it to the youth… ladened with expectations yet unattainable. Read ALL of Ecclesiastes people!  It’s about how nothing under the sun is worthy… how none of this compares to the Glory and Wonderment of Christ… and the Highest Place. It’s about balance, worth, simplification, experience, wisdom, the seasons of God,(God’s timing)…

I’m so tired of this self-loathing… of everything and everyone feeding into it, fueling it… I was created to be holy and righteous and blameless?!  How does one even start to apply this?

Side Note: I’ve really started to create some other “NEW” boundaries within myself. Just because I’m so extremely tired. Tired of the DRAMA.  I’ve tried to lead with a servants heart in the past.  To be selfless and there for others, so much so that I neglect myself.  It was easy to take on this role and call it some sort of “fruit”.  Or to have hope in the fact that even though I don’t see things coming to fruition that I’m out there planting seeds.  It’s funny how we Christians trade the excuse’s of the world for these new excuse’s of the corporate church.  We train ourselves to have no expectations… and that to be holy and righteous and blameless we have to meet God’s expectations. Yet I was talking with a group of friends the other day, and we came to the understanding that we do this… and we stop expecting Christ to show up… 

So I start marriage counseling this week.  I’m nervous and uncomfortable. This is one area of my life I’ve never seen victory.  Where there has always been walls and road blocks and indifference.  Where I’ve had to take all that God desires of this and put it all on hold… on pause… waiting… up on a shelf… unable to use; express… relate… create… communicate… and I’m beyond tired, and I now have to WORK on this area… it feels like a ticking time bomb.. honestly… toxic.  Every ounce of me wants to run away from this… and neglect the pain… give up… maybe it’s healthy to feel this and go through it… but it really makes me want to vomit… I feel like I shouldn’t express this… and yet I can’t stop.  Things that I’ve even found forgiveness about and surrendered to Christ are bubbling up like a volcano waiting to explode… and I’m afraid of myself.  I’m afraid to open up and be hurt again.  Afraid to explore this and be hurt again by the indifference… and then seek restitution in for being hurt again… by giving into the pain and seeking something self-indulgent, and self destructive.  Because it comes down to hate and not love.  I know that this is the last time.  That there’s no turning back to this gray area in my marriage.  That once this is opened back up, that I can’t go back to just living with the indifference and walls.. and lack. 

….to be continued…